GOAT BREATH

From Carolyn
In our late 40’s, and by way of a challenge from our 20-something son, my husband and I have begun a weight loss-weight training program. In all fairness, I am really the only one who is a beginner with the weights. Our weight equipment is on the back porch and our back yard is an animal pen where we have two delightful milk goats. They are very curious, social creatures and so whenever you’re out there pumping weights, sucking air, and concentrating on not collapsing, the goats like to see what you’re doing. During one long inhale, the goat poked her curious head through the rails, and belched right in my husband’s face.
How can I describe goat breath? Let’s just say that it compares favorably with someone who has coffee, cigarette, and whiskey breath, with no dental hygiene, combined with a hint of half-digested hay. Picture the scene from My Fair Lady, where Eliza’s father is trying to extort money from Professor Higgins. He laughs breathily in the professor’s face and nearly knocks him over. So it was with my husband. He said it reminded him of when he would lift weights with his older brother and right at the apex of straining, when vomiting was imminent, he would describe a greasy hamburger.
Our 16-year-old daughter, Natalie, who is milking and then selling the milk to earn money for expensive school activities, says that she is a perfect target for goat pee and goat shi...limey diarrhea. She swears that the goat who doesn’t like to be milked, smears her on purpose. And still there is something endearing about the little beggars. Like the one who lays her head in our daughters lap while she’s milking the other goat, just to be in on the action, or the way they come running when you shake the grain bucket.
I love to experiment with recipes for the milk, but getting it from the teat to the kitchen is strictly the kid’s job. And I try not to think about goat teats. Still the fresh milk and yogurt are delightful and convenient…in the sense that I don’t have to do any of the extracting. I hear all these stories second-hand because I made it very clear that the goats were a work project for the kids. I will only milk them if there is no other person left on planet earth. The 14-year-old takes after her mother. She has managed to keep her room sparkling clean upon threat of having to milk the goats. She also doesn’t earn money for a clean room.
I’ll bet Arnold Swartzenegger never got buff while sucking in goat breath. My husband is still the best.